Simplest Possible? PHP/MSSQL/Win-7 Setup?????

I've tried many configurations, xampp, mamp, ms, something called "moompa", and have read dozens of posts and articles missing some crucial information or implying that something doesn't really work with something else., "XP isn't supported, MySQL works great but MS-SQL *should* work fine except I've never done that, X isn't up to date, PHP only works to version 5.2, Oracle and SYbase are great, so Y should just work, here are a bunch of drivers -- just put them in the right folder (wherever that is), I've got a book for 29.95 that'll tell you how to do that, never install Z in this folder or it'll be cursed forever......" etc., etc......

All I want is to install PHP 5.3 on a Windows 7 machine and be able to read from a Microsoft SQL database.

What's the quickest way to set this up?

Thanks millions!!!